All that is left to say!!!
The rains had lashed the city the previous night and fortunately the roads were not slushy and inundated with water. As I walked through the streets to the park, the images were coming back to me. I went in to the park and found my usual bench in the far corner from where I could observe and see the entire park. I was a bit early on that day; the regulars had not arrived yet. As I sat there the images were coming back to me again and it was then that the couple, in their late 60’s arrived with their carry bag containing two glasses of fresh juice. I always felt good to see them every day, for there was certain warmth about them, in the twilight years of their life they are always together, happy, talking loudly about the events that had happened the previous day or about their children who are married and well settled and the problems they face with one of their children. I never had to eves drop into their conversation that has never been my virtue, for they were so loud for the entire park to hear. As the images were creeping in and watching this elderly couple made me ponder and reflect on “all that is left to say”.
I have been waiting for eternity since life turned its back on me and I could never understand why life has never been the way I wanted. Right from my childhood I had nothing left to say because of the fear of being reprimanded, misunderstood and alienated .Everything I wanted to have for myself, cherish for a longer duration, always left me, be it my career, my love, my self-worth and self-esteem, my individuality, my freedom of thought and expression, children I grew fond of. It pains me immensely to look at my predicament because I do not understand why it has left me high and dry with nothing left to say.
Am fond of children, I like their smiles, laughter, innocence, their inquisitive mind, their playfulness, their energy levels, and their ability to reciprocate abundant love and affection. There have been many “little Gods” in my life starting with my niece and nephews, friends’ children and this little fellow who literally grew up in my arms right from the time he was six months old. He brought meaning and purpose into my life which was lost in my marriage.. The four and a half years that I have known him, are the most memorable moments in my life. He was always there, on my walks, when I go shopping, driving, watching POGO and Discovery Channel together. He had such a wonderful mind, he always used to check me if I get mad or angry. Just a smile and a word from him asking as to why am I getting mad or angry?. Or the times that we used to look into the sky star-gazing , and the innumerable questions that he used to fire at me. There was always this “why is this like that? “, question that kept me on my toes, for I had to be factual in answering his questions. But all that remains today is memories as I do not know how he is? The thought that I know where he is and not able to meet him leaves me with nothing to say.
Same is the case with love, friendship and companionship. They have been there in my life, like they do in others too, but briefly though ,leaving me like a candle in the rain. All that I gave was my love, my integrity, my commitment, my heart and soul. I have always wondered why I have made myself so “vulnerable” by being kind, soft-spoken, affectionate ,caring and loving? Are these forgotten qualities in the world or have I taken people for granted? Why do people want love and yet like to be detached from the person who exhibits love? I guess the word has different connotations to different individuals. But for me love is not a feeling to possess something or someone. It is a way of showing that I care, empathise, understand, show warmth and walk a mile to make others happy and feel wanted and make others feel that they are not alone in this world.
Being that as it may, on introspection I realize that I have missed a lot and messed a few, be it a relationship, a career so on and so forth. Messed because I stood my ground when integrity was compromised, could not bear the hypocrisy around, could not wear the mask that I was expected to wear, could not toe the line of conformity, could not accept mediocrity in all forms, could not bear the contrived and convoluted attitudes, and could not lose my identity and self-worth and above all was misunderstood most often. But where has all this left me? How have people perceived me over the years? Looking at life in a three dimensional space, the world around me, the people around me and myself in the midst of all this, it dawns on me that while I have not been what I should have been as per others expectations of me, but I have more than gained in experience, my understanding of the world and self contrary to the belief that I have messed so much. While life has been a great leveler and helped me mellow down and go through a paradigm shift in the way I see life and others, am still left with nothing to say.
End of the day “all that is left to say “ is that I still long for love, compassion, understanding, companionship, fellowship, bon-homie, and a greater sense of togetherness.



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